Port Douglas is great. As I may have mentioned, it really is paradise. We found that the rest of far north Queensland is also absolutely stunning but a little rough around the edges. A lot of people don’t bother with shoes which I thought was odd considering anything you might stand on will kill you instantly! While I agree that to a foreigner, even the most polite greeting from a thick Glaswegian accent can sound like a death threat, the Australians up here love to swear. That along with their direct talking, no waffle (or smiling) can leave you wondering if you should join in and curse back at them, smile and laugh like a daft tourist or just run away before they set the dogs on you!

Not that living somewhere with a four mile long beach, surrounded by palm trees and the Great Barrier Reef a stone’s throw away didn’t appeal, we knew we had to hit the road and get on with our travels and enjoy more of the country. We put our great minds together and came up with a plan that would see us drive from Cairns to Brisbane (a fair distance at 2,400km) taking in some of the amazing sites, scenery and towns on route down the Queensland coast. (We did eventually end up driving all the way from Cairns to Melbourne – 4,200km – but we’ll get to that.)

FACT: You could fit Britain into Queensland seven times…if you really wanted to – handy if this ever comes up in a pub quiz!

Driving down the Highway from Cairns, the sun blazing, windows down, my beautiful wife at my side singing in a completely different key to the band playing on the radio, my long thick mane of hair billowing in the wind!! It was great – adventure lay ahead and we didn’t have a care in the world.

First stop was an exceptionally beautiful place called Jaroumba Falls – surrounded by thick rainforest, the falls opened up in a clearing with crystal clear water flowing from the top into three pools – each one bigger than the next and eventually opening out into a giant boulder field. Some of the boulders were bigger than houses. A lovely place to sit, cool down and sooth weary driving feet until I got accosted by a squadron of nasty clegs and we had to make a run for it back to the car.

Next stop was a place called Mission Beach – no idea why it’s called that. Delighted to be told on arrival that the beach had emptied the day before when a shark fin was spotted not far off shore. We only like to paddle anyway! Being near the equator, it gets dark very early and at 7pm we found ourselves in complete pitch darkness. We took ourselves down to the deserted beach and just like a couple of tinkers, with a beer in each hand, we sat and watched the stars and listened to the waves crashing on the shore. Back in the tiny wee tent and now there were two of us!

A fantastic market awaited the following morning where we could buy just about anything including incredible smelling Thai curries, books for children explaining about death, walking sticks, muffins and of course flying goggles!

The next 100 or so miles we were warned regularly about trying to avoid hitting Cassowaries. They are a prehistoric emu type bird with a blue head and stand at around 2 metres tall. Apparently they can be incredibly dangerous – with large claws on their middle toes which they use to try and gut you!

Anyway, we managed to avoid any Velociraptor, Jurassic Park type moments and stopped in Paluma National Park where I got my first shot on an unsealed road – the car was definitely not built for it as it bumped through the potholes and skidded about over the gravel. A couple of white knuckle moments and nasty glares from Caroline later and we arrived at Big Creek which is similar to the nearby, Little Creek, but as you might imagine, slightly bigger. It was stunning, surrounded by prehistoric looking trees, mountains, lizards, giant dragon flies and more Croc free crystal clear water.

Onto Townsville (that’s ‘Towntown’ in French) and took the ferry over to Magnetic Island, or Maggie as the locals call it! Caroline insisted we needed a drink and in true Alf Stuart fashion got us a can of VB to swally as we made our way across the giant waves! On arrival in Maggie we were eventually greeted by our leathery skinned host and he drove us over to Arcadia Bay in his 40 year old Mercedez Benz. I’m not sure why you would want fluffy sheepskin seat covers when most of the year its over 30 degrees but they felt nice to sit on…so soft!

Our Lonely Planet guidebook let us down, telling us that Arcadia was the place to be. It was anything but!

Except for the old man who didn’t move from the bar the whole time we were there, we were the only guests. We took ourselves off to explore and see if it was all a big practical joke and instead of people, we found some amazing little rock wallabies. Again as the very literal name would suggest, they are little wallabies that live in rocks. Very cute although a little too tame and their little beady eyed stare was slightly unnerving. I was pretty sure we were going to be ambushed at any minute and dragged off down their tunnels so we scampered home.

We were kept awake that night by the local gang of possums who thought it was hilarious to drop nuts onto the corrugated iron roof of our guesthouse. Every time we drifted off they would launch another assault and the nuts would clang loudly all around us.

Not to be put off, the next morning we got up early and went exploring across the island. We soon found a path leading up to the highest point and the very informative nature sign told us to keep an eye out for: koalas – cuddly; sea eagles – majestic; and, as casually as you like, the Common Death Adders which inhabit the area. “Very well camouflaged and hard to spot on the track, walkers are advised not to disturb!”

FACT: Common Death Adder – Australia’s most venomous snake. Enough poison in a single bite to kill ten men!

I let Caroline go first as I bravely brought up the rear. We made our way up the long and dusty track to the top in the searing afternoon heat. With a distinct lack of water, a rescue scene from flying doctors was playing out in my head and I was just beginning to think that starting our walk up ‘Death Adder Mountain’ at midday was a bad idea when we struck gold. In a tree, just a couple of metres away was a koala – stoned on eucalyptus! It was fantastic to see in the wild and well worth all the effort…and danger.

(Caroline tells me they’re not actually stoned. Their guts have to work hard to break down the indigestible eucalyptus leaves so they have no energy and that’s why they have to sleep!)

This koala was clearly stoned! Its little furry arms stretched out in front hanging limply over a branch, its head flopped to one side – In fact, it may have been dead. We took some photos and continued to the top of the hill.

The panoramic views were great, turquoise water in every direction, beautiful beaches far below, palm trees waving in the breeze and lo and behold a sea eagle rising on an air current. It was a truly spectacular sight. Two out of the three wild creatures spotted… I’m glad we didn’t see the third!

We made our way down to Horseshoe Bay on the other side of the island – this was where everybody was! A beautiful bay unsurprisingly shaped like a horseshoe with golden sand, a fat lifeguard and actual people! We were hot and sweaty after our adventure so cooled off in the sea followed by a jug (or three) of the good stuff. We didn’t want to push our luck so stuck to the stinger enclosure (a large net on the beach designed to keep the deadly box jellyfish out).

That evening we tried Morcambe Bay Bug – we had read that it was a real delicacy and were really keen to give it a go. It’s a big shellfish a bit like a crayfish but looks more like an attachment for your Dyson – absolutely delicious, a real treat and nice to be in a restaurant and top of the food chain again!